The Tek Jansen Adventurous Disclaimer
(because the suits say we have to)

So here's what the "suits" are telling me I have to say, but take all this with a grain of salt, as I assure you good people I'm dolling it out with no less than an entire salt lick in kind.

First off, the entire book Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure is entirely fictional. Any resemblance to any persons alive or dead, no matter how accurate, vivid and striking they may be, even if it's in reference to the shooting in the face of an elderly attorney, is entirely coincidental. It's not that I don't like real, actual, living people, no matter how easily derided they may be, and it's not that I write from my own experience, especially not as it might pertain to having been shot in the face by Aaron Burr. Hey, it's called a disclaimer for a reason, and I'm here to disclaim it from on high to down low.

Secondly, and much more importantly, is my assertion that I'm not actually me. That's right, I, Stephen Colbert or someone else, am not myself or whomever it is that I am or am not. I don't mean I'm not feeling well, I mean that I'm contractually prohibited from pursuing publication of this book outside of my agency and/or I'm not actually Stephen Colbert, or some combination thereof. My agent obviously doesn't think the book is good enough to market via traditional methods, and maybe he's right, but if he ain't gonna bring the magic to life, who will?

Come on people, I read the blogs and you know it. There's some serious demand out there to see my book on the New York Times best seller list. If my agent doesn't want it, isn't it my patriotic duty as a red-blooded, neo-blue-blooded American who "gets it" to do my best to spread this good word?

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But with that said you face two possibilities; (and even more that are covered on the about page

  • I am Stephen Colbert and I can not admit that I am a willing participant in this project nor this site. Or,
  • I am not Stephen Colbert, but rather someone so close to him or so legally validated that I have not been shut down for what could arguably be a clear infringement of intellectual property, or that I'd have to deny it if I was Stephen acting covertly as such… which I am… not, because if I was it would be illegal, which it could still technically be argued to be, which it is not, but is.. not. No matter who I am, which is (not) Stephen Colbert, which it is not (but is/am.) Come on, either you like the book or you don't, it doesn't matter who I am, does it? But I assure you, I am indeed a person, specifically one who is me.
  • Consider also that this may be nothing more than the single least successful stealth marketing campaign in the history of stealth marketing... unless it's much more than that.
  • You'll read the lines, but something tells me you'll read between them. What I ask of you is; do you get it?

  • By the way, you may want to share this with your friends now if you're so inclined. It's not that I'm shifty or shady or disposed to punishing you all for not making my book a greater success, it's just that, well, those same suits are telling me it's just a matter of time before the other suits catch wind of this and make us go mainstream. Either way the book may not always be free and it may not remain here, on this site, technically free for all.

    So I offer no warranty of quality (which I think you'll agree is superb) nor longevity (which I just told you is potentially fleeting), nor do I guarantee that this book will be here tomorrow when you come back to read it. Also I offer no warranty on broken or abused grammar, speeeeling, punctuation! or basically anything else.

    So for the sake of convenience, let's say the site is "fan fiction", and from there I'll let you decide what's real. Colbert Nation is also "fan fiction", so you tell me what's what... better yet, why don't you just tell it to the forums.

    I'm not mean, America, I'm just trying to tell it like it is. The word or not, that's just how it is, illogical and confusing, and that's the word.

    This page may have been updated since this "Printer Friendly" page was created. Read this passage in its current form online at www.tekjansen.com/nav/disclaimer.php.