The Tek Jansen "About" Page

About this site
This site is the one and only place to explore the inner and outer workings of this novel. I know it's good and so do you, but those are just the inner workings. We need to get beyond that and explore the outer workings as well.

This site affords the opportunity to test the waters page by page and chapter by chapter, all while pushing my own agenda to a more or less captive audience. The agenda is where the money is, but it's also a big part of what keeps me up at night. It's my quest to use my powers for good, to forward a social agenda that's fair and balanced in ways FOX doesn't even pretend to be, and to insure that fans of science fiction have new, fresh material to enjoy.

But where's the money? In case the question wasn't sufficiently rhetorical, it's in my pocket.

We've had problems with hackers in the past, so the site has been completely rebuilt from the ground up using a revolutionary web system called SmartAdmin™. It's the most secure system as well as the most intelligent, not to mention amongst the most costly of any of the products it competes against... and it's worth every penny. Just try to hack in to the back of the admin and you'll see what makes it so great and so expensive.

About this book
This book is an every-man's tale, at least assuming that every man is an intergalactic swashbuckling hero. It is a story of mystery, intrigue and fiction most scientifically fictitous. It's the sort of book I'd have wanted to read when I was a kid, except that I never really was a kid, just a boy, and a strapping one at that. Even then I'd have wanted to read it, much as I deeply and sincerely (would) want to read it now, and it's not so different from many of my favorite books from my formative years. I no longer have the time to read such things, being as busy as I am, not to mention the fact that I don't trust books. I love to read but I hate books, and that's okay. I'll leave the reading of Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure up to you. Of course, assuming I finish it, I'll have an intern or staff reader review it and give me the highlights, but that's a future matter, and I don't believe in the future, matters or as I already said; books.

About the author
Stephen Colbert has earned awards for his work ranging from Emmy to Peabody during a modestly long and immodestly successful career. Of course, due to legal reasons, I can't actually say that I am Stephen Colbert, so let me tell you these truths instead. I've worked in pseudo slash humor journalism for years, been consumed by verifiably millions, I love scifi, I have three kids, dark hair, glasses and I used to do a lot of improv... If I'm not me then I'm hard pressed to know who the hell I am, but that's a different story, and one I'm sure the attorneys will get in to soon enough (even though it's now been many months and it hasn't come to it, somehow).

To be less clear on this matter, let me further the intra-argument by suggesting the following contentions, none of which are my own, but rather ones I have read online, which assures me that they must be true:

  • If I am Stephen Colbert, I can not admit it, and that if I am not Stephen Colbert, I'd be foolish to do so.

  • If this body of work is not sanctioned by Comedy Central, it would have been shut down long ago, assuming the rights of fan-fiction authors is not so great that it overrides the creators of a title with a few hundred words of content text.

  • The Colbert Report follows the blogosphere, so the million-plus readers who have seen this must surely include all true fans, as well as at least half the staff writers, so if Stephen isn't me and I don't know about it, it's news to me. Also, we have been told by at least one of the doubting thomii that both Colbert Nation and Comedy Central have been directly informed about this project in writing, though they have taken no action.

  • This site at least appears to bear revenue (and you won't be any the wiser unless you try to send me some) so it must surely be attached to Stephen Colbert, or me, or us, or him via me by proxy, unless there's been a timeloop, wormhole or curious lapse in judgment be either me, him, us, them, all-y'all, the others or some other people on behalf of someone within or without, but specifically without judgement.

  • Some have speculated that this is a very clever bit of stealth marketing, and I will admit that it is at least in a small way precisely that, but for whom? Forget the smaller ways for a minute and ask yourseld "What about the other, more important ways?" Perhaps this is stealth marketing and you are a pawn in an unjustifiably costly marketing campaign, large enough to include over a half-dozen contributors, coders, attorneys and sundry participants.

  • This site contains outside ads, which is not universal for the site of a broadcast affiliate, but roughly half of them point back to Comedy Central, and the other half are the same ads you will find on Comedy Central itself not to mention Discovery Channel et al.

  • I do not explicitly claim to be Stephen Colbert, myself, me, him, them, us nor the other... but neither does Colbert Nation. No, it says quite explicitly that it is a "fan site", which it most plainly is not... is that mine too? Ours too? Theirs too? Oh man, I just don't know what I'm saying at this point.

  • Even though we didn't thoroughly think it through at the time, all of our past deadlines were quoted according to Eastern Standard time... Sure, that only narrows it down to a single timezone, and one that contains many millions of people, but more importantly than that, it excludes tenfold as many probable anti-conspirators.

  • What about the coding skillz exhibited on this site? Sure, they're a smidge amateurish, but are they more hack than that of Colbert Nation? Surely not by a mile nor kilometer, but does that mean anything? How about the cliche elements, are those part of the disproof or merely a component of the body of work itself?

  • Clearly there are as many questions to be asked as there are pages of this site, but that doesn't mean that this is the place in which to answer them. I apologize for that, but not too much so. No, I more savor the ambiguity. In rare times I take a bath, I light a special candle, lather myself tip to toe and laugh a hearty belly laugh, the sort of thing that sends ripples across my cleansing micro-ocean the likes of which nearly splashes over the rim. I thusly laugh at the heads that are scratched and the questions that are asked. I've given my answer, all you've had to do is understand it.

    I hope that clears everything up*.

    * But of course by "everything", we really mean "something, though not necessarily much of anything, least of all the one thing you most expected or desired." It's kind of like Clinton asking what the definition of "is" is, any argument from the Microsoft antitrust case, or any of the very many statements issued by chubby funster Scott McClellan before he was thrown out on his aaaaaaaaa-s I mean that he resigned. No, he resigned. Truth be told, it was an amicable departure. That or it was on his own volition. Wanted to spend more time with his family, and they missed him too. After all, once you've been a huge failure and disappointment for a few years, the one thing your family most assuredly wants, is to see more of you.

    And if you'd like to discuss the maybes and prob'ly nots of this project's legitimacy, check out the forums under our masterfully titled Doubting Thomii area. We welcome your proof in the affirmative, negative, or don't-care middleocrativity... yes, I just made that word up.

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