Chapter 11 - My Slumber Burning Sweet, Carmelized (page 1 of 10)

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Demi-humanity entered the galactic scene prematurely and itís been a point of serious contention throughout the better parts of the universe ever since. The universal rule, quite literally, is that no race of beings may be introduced to the interplanetary community unless they earn the technology themselves or reach a specific milestone in their civilization. Humanity didnít manage to scuff either one of these smudged-up marks, and many alien nations have harbored that pissed-offedness up until today.

In order to be considered sufficiently civilized to be contacted by foreign races, a planetary community must be entirely free of war, united under a single and undisputed government, have large vehicles that fly through the air like locusts and master the precipitation of hellfire most sulpherous from skies most blackened. In neo-space-Christian terms, it has to be the end of the world.

But even the opinion of the third church of neo-reformed-space-Christianity canít be taken into account, since a lack of religion is also a requirement. The universe is full of Godless savages for sure. You'd be surprised how many planets have never taken Jesus Christ as their one true savior. The easy answer is all but one, and that's New Terra, and that's why it's such a first-rate place.

Instead of earning our impossibly difficult way to deepest space and a due, rightful knowledge of the numero-mysteries of the pan-universe, humanity managed to strike a refugee deal with a distant dissident who was provided safe harbor in trade for sharing the common knowledge of common things so common throughout the better parts of the common universe it's commonly laughable. Simple things that everyone outside of New Terra already knew like the meaning of mammalian life, the origin of the periodic universe, the recipe for whole-planet extinction and the means of faster-than-light travel.

Faster-than-light travel, incidentally, was an easier feat to circum-accomplish than even the brightest minds on New Terra could have ever imagined. All you have to do is dive into the depths of an ultra-medium gravity caterpillaraperture. Theyíre pretty easy to find, even easier to tune, and they always take you right where youíre going, and usually within a few million years of right on time. All this became possible upon the introduction and proof of Filliamís Axiom, E≠mc≤.

We had the technology, but we didn't have the galactic love. Despite the gaping aperture of our animalian prison corn, the so-called greater races wouldn't afford so much as a low-orbit reach-around. You can imagine why humans might be indignant.

The Galactic Front of Sentient Planets opposed our interstellar presence, contending that we were too rooted in religion rather than reason, as if the two can not harmoniously coexist. It turns out they canít, but that common knowledge hadnít been divulged just yet, and it was too late to turn back, since that cat was already out of the bottle. It was an adorable cat and a very handsome bottle, but once out, well, it was simply too late.

To the pleasure of many plutocrats, a new law was passed to react to these troubled times. It was based on the Migrant Murderer Bill, a festive little bit of last-minute governmental action. It absolved immigrant murderers and other criminals of all sorts of any responsibility for their past crimes so long as they cyber-techno-agreed to complete a simple, though costly registration, and agree to never commit these crimes again so long as they are semi-citizens of New Terra. It was a good bill by any account that knew of it in its true form, and even to the masses that got to read about it after thorough pasteurization by the fair and balanced news media, and to no one's surprise, it passed overwhelmingly.

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